Written by Alexandria O'Connor
Why is it that finding someone I can trust is so difficult? Is it me? Am I just not a trusting person? Because these past few months, I have realized that I live in a city full of people— friends, even— that I whole-heartedly do not trust. I didn’t have any super traumatizing life experiences growing up. I just was never good at choosing solid friends. You know, the people that pick you up when you're down, someone to lean on, someone to help when the times get really tough.
I guess, I’ve always picked really shitty people… even as a child. I’ve never had a life-long friend. It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it? It kind of irks me that I could never have that one person that I’ve known since I was a child; you know your middle school best friend that visits even after you’ve turned 25 or someone you can call your child’s auntie.
Trusting people in this city is a dangerous game. Everyone will smile to your face but twist a knife in your back as soon as you turn around. I think I noticed that the most after I took a break from the party scene, from going out and getting trashed just to do something stupid and regret it in the morning. But, the second I returned, it was like I was never a friend to begin with.
I think that’s what hurts me the most, at least. There is something so personal about making someone feel so impersonal to you. There is a longing for that friendship, even months after it ended, and there are pictures on your refrigerator that you never want to take down. There are moments in your mind that will last a lifetime, and there are people that will always remind you of why you trusted that person to begin with.
But there are also reasons we take a step back or we stray away from what is going on. There are reasons we take a deep breath, calm ourselves down, and try again with the next person. There are reasons we, I, always attract the same crowd. There are things that need to change, but I didn’t understand it until now.
There are people out there somewhere that will have your back no matter what. There are people that are going to hear your name and proudly stand up to say they know you. There are people out there that will make a cold concrete city feel like home— sometimes, you just have to look a bit harder to find them, but your people are out their somewhere. I promise.